


Barely Holdin' On

by Deputydimples



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Hurt Lena Luthor, Identity Reveal, Lena Luthor Finds Out Kara Danvers is Supergirl, Lena Luthor Knows Kara Danvers Is Supergirl, Sad Kara Danvers, Supercorp needs therapy, how lena and kara make their way back to one another, lenadidntdotheseason5shit, major angst, picks up after the end of season 4
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 16:15:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29669913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deputydimples/pseuds/Deputydimples
Summary: “Lena—““I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway. Because you were wrong; a Luthor and Super can only end one way—tragedy.” Lena's lip wobbles and she makes no attempt to wipe away the fresh onslaught of tears. She doesn’t have the energy to fight anymore. She’s complete and utterly alone. “Stay away from me—both as Kara and as Supergirl. It’s over. I—I’m done.”With that, Lena pushes past a sobbing Kara, struggling not to stagger as she walks down the hall, leaving her life with Kara Danvers behind her.[Identity Reveal where they go their own ways, but start to unravel—alternate ending to season 4 / beginning to season 5]
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 18
Kudos: 88





	Barely Holdin' On

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER-WARNING – Kara goes into a bit of a depressive, dark state (like at the beginning of season 3 where she’s throwing herself into work and not taking care of herself and having some pretty dark thoughts). Lena goes a little heavy on the alcohol. I don’t usually write things like this, so if there’s a specific warning I should put or one I forgot, or if this warning is unnecessary, please let me know in the comment section.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I said,” Lena growls, advancing on the blonde, “You. Are. Supergirl. One second you’re a meek, mild-mannered journalist, and the next you’re flying around National City in a mini-skirt and tights.”
> 
> Kara’s eyes flicker between Lena and the hallway, before she lets out an over-exaggerated fake laugh, making Lena cringe. How did the blonde ever manage to keep her alien heritage a secret? “Golly, I-I wish I was Supergirl. But I’m just a plain human from the same planet—this planet, Earth—as you,” she stammers, nervously fiddling with the frames of her glasses. “I think you’ve had a little too much to drink. I could call you a cab, or you could come inside and I could get you a glass of water to sober—“

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my attempt at writing in present tense.
> 
> I’ll probably name the chapter after song titles or lyrics, so this one is Sam Smith, "Too Good At Goodbyes."

Lena Luthor has a bad habit of drowning herself in her sorrows, and it’s been known to come back and bite her in the arse. Four drinks Lena is pretty loud. Very loud. She’s been kicked out of a couple of bars…. But it’s better than five drinks Lena. Five drinks Lena is weirdly confident. She makes poor decisions that she comes to regret the next morning; like trying to ride a mechanical bull or standing in front of her ex-best friend’s door at 2 a.m.

“Kara!” She barks, pounding her fist on the blonde’s door. 

Lena pauses, waiting for Kara to answer.

After a minute of silence, she tries again. “Kara Danvers! I know you’re home, so stop ignoring me and open. The. Damn. Door.” She shouts each word, followed by a bang on the door. 

After another beat of silence, she tries again. “ _Please_ , Kara,” she says softly. 

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. The great Lena Luthor; who could make grown men cower with just one raise of an eyebrow, has become a pathetic, drunken, blubbering mess. Normally, she would be chastising herself at such a blatant display of emotions, but currently—she does not give a fuck. 

All she wants to do is scream at Kara—and maybe get in a nice punch as well. Logically, Lena knows the blow would shatter her bones and hurt her more than Kara, but it’s the thought that counts. 

Lena knocks a few more times, but predictably, is met with silence each time. Fine, she would just make a scene at the DEO. It was probably a little dramatic, but the Luthor family was infamous for such theatrics. _Besides_ , a bitter part of Lena chuckles to herself, _that’s how Kara sees her; just another Luthor. Just another Luthor who can’t be trusted. The enemy._

Lena’s mentally preparing herself to downpour hell on the DEO, when the door opens to reveal a very unalert Kara Danvers in her pyjamas. 

She looks Kara up and down with a small frown on her face. Currently, Kara’s ensemble is a mixture of both her identities; she’s wearing her typical black glasses, but her blonde locks (usually done up) are hanging down to her shoulders. 

It feels like Lena’s two worlds are finally colliding. 

She hasn’t seen either Kara or Supergirl since Lex’s gleeful unmasking yesterday, so Lena’s perfected compartmentalization tendencies coaxed her into believing they were two separate people. But seeing Kara now, there’s no denying it; Kara is Supergirl. Supergirl is Kara. They are the same fucking person and Lena is a complete and utter idiot. 

“Whatsgoinon?” Kara’s glasses are slightly crooked as if she hastily shoved them onto her face before opening the door. As she drowsily rubs her eyes, the thick black frames straighten. “Lena?” she askes. She still looks a little sleepy, but her eyes light up at the sight of her best friend and a small smile spreads across her face. 

If the physical similarities weren’t evident enough, the way both Kara and Supergirl looked at Lena should have been a dead giveaway. No one has _ever_ looked at her like that—not even Jack—and suddenly, two people were staring at her as if she were an oasis in the desert. Honestly! Lena should revoke her Mensa membership. 

Despite her inner turmoil, Lena just looks at Kara casually, giving nothing away. With a slight lift of her eyebrow, she asks, “Are you wearing Batwoman shorts?”

“Uh, y-yeah, they were a gift from a friend,” Kara yawns. She knit her brows and slightly tilts her head to the right, making her look like a confused puppy. “Not that I’m not glad to see you—'cause I am—but why are here at—“ she leans back to glance at the clock on her wall, “—two in the morning?”

“You should be more careful when answering the door, especially at this time of day; nothing good happens after midnight.” Lena deflects. It takes every once in her being not to leave. She wants to scream bloody murder at Kara until her voice is raw… but once she utters ‘I know’ _everything_ is going to change.

_Everything has already changed._

Kara, honest to god, has the nerve to smirk. “I’m a lot tougher than I look, I’d be okay,” she says, instinctively puffing out her chest. “But, uh, are you sure _you_ should be wandering around at such a time. This isn’t the safest neighbourhood and I’m pretty sure the Millers’ down the hall are drug dealers—“

“I can take care of myself,” Lena says with a barely concealed snap. “Besides,” she tries to shrug nonchalantly, “if I’m in any immediate danger, my best friend can swoop in and fly me to safety at the speed of light.” 

“Excuse me?” Kara’s smile is uneasy, and her posture immediately stiffens. 

“You heard me.” Lena looks Kara directly in the eye and in a show of unwavering confidence, juts out her chin. Attempting to seem casual, she blindly reaches for the doorframe to lean on, only to slip and lose her balance. 

“Lena!” At a speed too fast to pass as human, Kara surges forward and grabs the back of Lena’s shirt, successfully saving Lena from a broken nose.  
Damnit, Kara Danvers is still her hero. 

“I’m fine,” Lena retorts, stumbling slightly. She tries to pull herself away from Kara, who has her hands on her friend’s shoulders in an attempt to steady her, but fails immensely. It’s a losing battle as Lena is too wobbly and Kara is an unmovable wall. 

Once Lena finally manages to steady herself enough to stay upright, she promptly shoves Kara away from her. Well, she pushes, and Kara respectfully takes a step back. “I said ‘m fine.”

“Are you drunk?” Kara asks, wrinkling her nose. Worry is written all over her face. 

Lena narrows her eyes in response. She isn’t going to fall for Kara’s fake-concern charade—not anymore. _Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me_. 

“No,” Lena scoffs. Kara looks between her and the ground with a critical raise of her brow, and Lena relents with a little sigh. “Perhaps just a wee bit tipsy,” she admits, holding her index finger and thumb just inches from each other. 

“Uh, maybe I should call Alex….” Kara says, nervously wringing her hands. “I don’t understand what you’re saying and—“

Lena clenches her fist, barely holding herself back from taking a swing. Kara has some nerve, pretending to be obtuse when Lena has _clearly_ explained that she knew. “Damnit, Kara!” she groans, frustratedly throwing her hands in the air. “For once just cut the shit and be honest with me! I know all about your second job.”

Kara flinches at her tone. She takes a tentative step towards Lena, as if approaching a wild bear. “I don’t understand....” she gives Lena a very un-Supergirl-like look of helplessness as her shoulders drop in defeat. 

The battle raging on inside Lena’s head worsens and she can already sense a headache coming on. On her left shoulder, a tiny devil aggressively raves on and on about how Kara lied to her, manipulated her, and kept her in the dark. The devil leans forward, whispering in her ear all the self-doubts and negative thoughts Lena has been suffocating in for years. ‘ _She doesn’t care about you, she never has. Lex and Veronica were right, Luthor’s aren’t meant to have things that last. I can’t believe you actually thought someone like her, actually cared about someone like you. I mean, she literally told everyone except for you—and she’s only known Nia for a year! Actually, less than a year_ ,’ it mocks her with a booming laugh. ‘ _Guess that really shows how much you meant to her, eh?_ ’ Before Lena can tell it to shut the fuck up, the angel on her right shoulder pipes up with a glare directed at the devil. ‘ _Don’t be ridiculous,_ ’ it chides. ‘ _Anyone with eyes can clearly see that girl believes in Lena. She’s always been Lena’s champion. Since day one she’s stood up for Lena, both to the public and her friends, both as Kara and Supergirl. Heck, not even video evidence was enough to convince her that Lena was guilty! Did she lie? Yes. Was it a jerk move? One hundred percent! But that doesn’t mean she never cared. I mean, that dedication—no one’s that good of an actor, let alone Kara ‘I flew here on a bus’ Danvers.’_

Lena zones out as the two bicker back and forth for a while. Both sides brought up convincing points, so the real question becomes, was it all an act? How much of their ‘friendship’ has truly been real? 

“Don’t play dumb with me,” Lena sneers, letting the little devil’s words get to her more than she cares to admit. While the angel’s telling her what she _wants_ to hear, the devil’s telling her what she _needs_ to hear. 

With her fist still clenched and a burning desire to punch the ignorance off of Kara’s face, she takes a step forward. 

Kara remains unmoving. “I’m not playing dumb!” she says, sounding slightly exasperated. “I just don’t understand what’s up with you.“ 

Deciding she doesn’t feel like taking a trip to the hospital and spending weeks with her hand in a cast, Lena instead redirects her anger at the trashcan by the door. She swings her leg back and with a grunt of anger, swiftly kicks it with all her might. They both watch, Lena with satisfaction and Kara with shock, as the trashcan tumbles down the stairs with an echoing _clang. ___

__Lena mentally chides herself for her little tantrum. She can practically see her mother’s disapproving sneer, _Control yourself, you are a Luthor. Luthor’s do not lose their cool.__ _

__Oh, if only Lillian could see her now._ _

__“Lena!” Kara’s eyes widen as she gapes at Lena. Her hand twitches as she fights the urge to once again reach out. “Please, just calm down—“_ _

__“No!’ Lena barks. “The people who I’ve trusted, who I’ve thought of as _family_ , have been in on this—this elaborate secret! So don’t you _dare_ tell me to calm down, Kara Danvers—if that’s even your real name,” she snaps. Lena unclenches her fist and raises a shaky finger, jabbing it in Kara’s direction, “From the first day we met and for the entirety of our friendship, you continued to lie and deceive me. Not only as Kara, but as some buffed-up flying blonde with abs for days.” _Did she say that out loud?_ “And you didn’t even have the guts to tell me yourself… you’re Supergirl.”_ _

__”W—what?” Kara splutters, but it’s less of a ‘I didn’t hear what you said’ and more of a ‘did you really just say what I think you just said?’ Her shoulders stiffen and she stares at Lena as if preparing for a physical attack._ _

__“I said,” Lena growls, advancing on the blonde, “You. Are. Supergirl. One second you’re a meek, mild-mannered journalist, and the next you’re flying around National City in tights and a mini-skirt.”_ _

__Kara’s eyes flicker between Lena and the hallway, before she lets out an over-exaggerated fake laugh, making Lena cringe. How did the blonde ever manage to keep her alien heritage a secret? “Golly, I—I wish I was Supergirl. But I’m just a plain human from the same planet—this planet, Earth—as you,” she stammers, nervously fiddling with the frames of her glasses. “I think you’ve had a little too much to drink. I could call you a cab, or you could come inside and I could get you a glass of water to sober—“_ _

__Hot, unstoppable anger churned in Lena’s gut like a blazing inferno that was trying to break free from inside. “Don’t you dare!” she hisses. Kara recoils at the look of bitterness on Lena’s face. “Don’t you dare stand there and continue to lie to me! I’m no fool, Kara Danvers and I’d like you to stop treating me like one!”_ _

__“Would you please be quiet?” Kara hiss’ under her breath. She sidesteps Lena to take a brief, but thorough, look up and down the hallway. Once she’s satisfied no one heard, she turns her attention back towards her friend with a small sigh. “Listen, you are clearly drunk and we both have to wake up early tomorrow. So please, drop it.“_ _

__Oh. My. God. She’s using that same condescending ‘my word is final’ tone. The same one Supergirl used when she told Lena to never make Kryptonite ever again. That little…._ _

__Lena’s practically shaking with rage. “STOP IT!” she roars. She won’t stand here and listen to Kara continuously spew more bullshit in her direction. By this point, any attempt Kara made at convincing Lena otherwise would be futile and frankly, insulting to both of their intelligences. Kara just silently stares at her like a deer caught in the headlights and Lena can feel her temper soar even higher (if that’s even possible). “I thought that after I found out, you’d at least have the decency to look me in the eye and tell me the truth. But nooo, you just can’t help yourself, can you? Do you really distrust me that much? Do you really think I’d betray you after everything we’ve been through?”_ _

__Kara rushes to explain, “I never thought that—“_ _

__“Every time you, Supergirl, or the DEO needed help, I followed through without hesitation,” Lena points out, her voice dangerously low. “I trusted you. I trusted you in a way I’ve never trusted anyone else. I opened my heart to you and revealed some of my deepest insecurities, despite my past telling me never to trust again. So, thank you, for teaching me that the only person I can rely on is myself,” Lena chuckles with a sardonic smile. Her eyes darken and she crosses her arms across her chest as if to protect herself. “And to think, I killed my brother for you!” She tries to say it with a taunt but is unable to stop the strangled sob from escaping her lips._ _

__The Lex she knew, the one Lena loved, has been dead for quite some time. The man standing before her at that moment was merely a shell of her brother’s former self… but it didn’t make pulling that trigger any easier._ _

__Kara’s eyes widen comically at the revelation, and Lena would have laughed if the situation wasn’t so serious. Kara stares at Lena for a moment before shaking herself out of the daze. Frantically, she looks down the hallway again, before firmly grabbing Lena by the shirt and pulling her into the apartment._ _

__Once the door swings shut behind them, Kara lets go of Lena and takes a step back. But by the look in her eyes, Lena knows it isn’t out of fear, it’s out of respect as Lena obviously doesn’t want to be touched. “T—that’s impossible,” Kara shakes her head frantically, taking a step forward while still staying out of Lena’s personal bubble. “I killed him. I—I used my laser vision,” she points to her eyes, “and then watched him fall—“_ _

__Lena derisively raises an eyebrow. “But did you see his body hit the ground? No, because Lex used his watch to teleport away, and I followed because I knew that he had to die—because a world with Lex Luthor in it wasn’t safe. I knew killing my brother would crush my soul, but if he had somehow gotten to you or my friends, it would have crushed my heart,” Lena scoffs, trying to portray how stupid the thought was. “So, I did what had to be done, only to find out you’ve been playing me for years,” she spits out, putting a harsh emphasis on the word ‘years.’ “And before you say I don’t know what I’m talking about or that Lex made it all up, you should know… not only did Lex tell me everything, he also showed me videos of you—Kara you, at L-Corp using your powers; catching bullets with your bare hands, ‘sneezing’ and blowing Mercy’s henchmen away, using heat vision….”_ _

__As she lists-off Kara’s multiple displays of power, the colour drains from Kara’s face and recognition flashes in her eyes._ _

__“You remember that day, don’t you? How Mercy stormed L-Corp all guns-a-blazin’ and you let me stand between you and a loaded gun. How you let me push you behind me so I could keep you safe. How you let me put myself in danger for someone who is literally bulletproof. How you let _me_ protect you, _Supergirl_ ,” she spits out the blonde’s alter ego as if it’s a bad taste in her mouth. Kara flinches at the tone, which satisfies some sick part of Lena. Good. She should feel bad. _ _

__Kara winces and shamefully nudges the corner of the rug with her foot. “Lena, I never meant to—“ she begins, but Lena cuts her off with a swift raise of the hand accompanied by a glare usually reserved for L-Corp board members. Lena grits her teeth as she tries to remain put together—or at least, seemingly put together._ _

__“Y’know, once Lex told me, it was like something clicked. The sudden disappearances, the half-assed excuses, the way you could eat ridiculous amounts of food without gaining any weight, the strange mannerisms, Supergirl conveniently being with you when I needed help…. For a while there I thought you two were dating,” Lena lets out a bitter laugh and Kara cringes, either at the thought or because of Lena’s emotional breakdown. “God, I feel so stupid. I interacted with both of your personas on a daily basis but never put it together. I mean, seriously! Your disguise is a pair of glasses and on our third meeting, you told me you flew to my office on a bus! I thought it was just one of your quirky qualities,” she gulps, shaking her head at her own stupidity. “I think… a part of me always knew, I just didn’t want to admit my best friend would lie to me like that, would deceive me. Especially when I told you how much that sort of thing hurt me. I thought you _cared_ about me.”_ _

__As a Luthor, she was used to people using her, and so, she kept people at bay, letting very few people into her heart; Lex, Andrea, Jack, Sam. And at one point or another, every single one of those people betrayed her (well, except for Sam). As such, under all this anger and rage is an insecure little girl who’s been hurt one too many times... and Kara’s the straw that broke the damn camel's back._ _

__“I’m tired, Kara. Enough lying. Enough deception. Please… if you ever cared about me, just… tell me the truth,” Lena pleads. She hates feeling this way. She hates feeling so vulnerable, especially in front of the one person she once _felt_ she could be vulnerable with. The one person she _could_ be vulnerable with. “Was it because of my family? My last name? Or was it just me? Were you ever my friend or was this just some elaborate plan you constructed to keep an eye on me?” _ _

__“No!” Kara cries loudly. She clears her throat, lowering her voice to a more appropriate level. “No, I—I never—would never—do that. I always trusted you—“_ _

__“Then why the hell did you lie to me?” Lena hates how desperate she sounds. Luthor’s didn’t beg for answers—they demanded them with elegance and authority._ _

__“I did—do. I _do_ , trust you,” Kara insists, her eyes full of defeat and guilt. “I just wanted to protect you.“_ _

__“Protect me?” Lena scoffs. That was such a weak excuse she’s almost insulted Kara tried to use it on her. “I have bi-weekly assassination attempts orchestrated by my dear brother, aliens whose lives he’s ruined, or by some die-hard Luthor hater. I’ve had a target painted on my back for as long as I can remember, simply because of my last name. I’m _constantly_ in danger.” _ _

__“I really did want to protect you. I _thought_ I was protecting you. Do you understand how much danger my existence puts those closest to me in? Every day I live in fear that someone will learn who I am and use the people I love against me. I know you’re already targeted because of your last name, but I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t live with myself knowing that the reason why you got hurt or kidnapped or targeted was because of me.” Kara gives Lena a look so seemingly genuine, that the Luthor almost falls for it—almost. “Please, you have to believe me. I never intended to—"_ _

__“Seriously?” Lena looks at Kara with utter disbelief. “After all this time, you expect me to _believe_ you?” she demands, poking the blonde in the chest. Kara recoils as if Lena personally stabbed her in the heart with a Kryptonite dagger. “After you deceived me? After you lied to me so much that I’m questioning if I know, or ever knew, who you are? After you lied to me so much that I don’t know how much of its real, if you truly believed in me, cared about me? Everything has been a lie. Our whole _relationship_ has been a lie. ‘Kara Danvers believes in you,’” Lena scoffs as she does an over-exaggerated impression of Kara. “I can’t believe I fell for that bullshit.”_ _

__“It wasn’t—isn’t bullshit,” Kara says with such determination and fierceness, that Lena’s eyebrow starts to twitch in suppressed rage._ _

__“What did you just say?”_ _

__“It isn’t bullshit, Lena. Not everything was a lie. If I wanted to keep an eye on you, I could have done it as Supergirl without involving Kara Danvers at all. But I liked you and I wanted to get to know you—as me, Kara. I admired how you were trying to make a name for yourself. I admired how you never gave up. I admired how you grew up in such a shitty family, but you still chose to see the good in humanity. I—I liked how you made me feel,” Kara says, staring brazenly into Lena’s eyes._ _

__Kara's voice holds so much passion as she talks about Lena, that it makes her falter. Because that ardent, that conviction… it’s that intensity that always makes Lena puddy in the blonde’s hands. Kara just has this way of making her feel valued and loved. Of making her feel special._ _

__“You can say a lot of things about me, get mad at me, yell at me, blame me… but don’t you _dare_ say that I never cared about you. Or that all of it was fake.” Kara’s lip quivers causing her voice to waver as she speaks. “I said I believed in you and I meant it. I will _always_ believe in you, Lena,” she says softly, unaware of the inner turmoil it causes Lena. _ _

__Lena feels an excruciating pain in her heart as if someone’s trying to rip it out of her chest—and is succeeding. Usually, she’s quite good at compartmentalizing and keeping her emotions in check… but with Kara, that’s simply impossible. There’s no holding back because Kara makes her feel emotions she’s never felt before in an intensity she’s never experienced._ _

__Kara just continues to look at Lena like she’s the runt of the litter at the shelter that no one wanted. “I’m the same person I’ve always been, I’ve just kept a part of me hidden away. But when I was with you, I never lied about how I felt.”_ _

__Part of Lena wants to believe it’s all real—but that’s her heart speaking, and so far, her heart has done nothing but cause her pain. Her brain on the other hand is logical and has never failed her. And her brain is telling her that this is just Kara’s last-ditch attempt to emotionally manipulate Lena into believing her story._ _

__Lena swallows the lump in her throat and narrows her eyes at Kara. “So you truly believed I made Kryptonite with malicious intent?” Kara gawks at her, but Lena continues with a smidge of satisfaction and a small sneer. “I made it to protect the earth—to protect Supergirl—from the Worldkillers, but instead of actually listening to me, you acted like it was a personal attack against you.”_ _

__Normally, Lena wouldn’t rehash old battles such as this one, but it’s a pivotal moment. It marks the downwards spiral that was Lena’s relationship with Supergirl. First, it was about the Kryptonite, then it was about Sam, then there was the Harun El…._ _

__Lena continues with her arms crossed over her chest. “Y’know, I was so mad at Supergirl, but part of me was reassured by the fact that Supergirl and I never had a close relationship—so how would she truly know where my heart was? But Kara… Surely if Kara was there, she would defend me. She would believe me. She knew me…. Somehow finding out it was you—Kara Danvers—all along, makes this whole thing worse.” Lena lets out a bitter laugh, “I mean, not even video evidence and my trip to jail was enough to convince you I was guilty. But Kryptonite was involved and suddenly it was time to play ‘blame the Luthor’ because of course, a Luthor would only use Kryptonite for nefarious purposes.”_ _

__Supergirl’s turn of faith in her had triggered an epiphany. Lena realized that no matter what she did, everyone would just see her as another Luthor, as a horrible person. But Kara Danvers never saw her that way. Kara Danvers didn’t just say she believed in Lena, she _did_ believe, and she showed it. In other words, she didn’t just walk the walk; she talked the talk…. But none of that was true. Everything has been a lie; because some part of Kara truly believes Lena is just another Luthor. Kara played her… and some sick, twisted part of Lena wants to make Kara feel the same pain she feels. To see, to understand, how hurt she is. _ _

__Kara sighs, sounding both frustrated and like she’s about to burst into tears of desperation. “I’m so sorry, Lena. Kryptonite’s always been a bit of a sore spot for me, but I swear—it wasn’t about my fear or ego, or your intent or last name. And I know what I said, how I made it seem in the forest and the DEO, but I never thought you’d use it against me or for anything bad. It was because my best friend had purposefully created something that was designed to kill me _and _then made it even more deadly. One of my favourite people, on any earth and beyond, made something that makes me feel like I'm on fire. Or like nails are running through my blood.” Kara says, her voice softening slightly near the end but not losing its intensity.___ _

____Lena can practically hear Kara’s heart breaking and honestly… it makes her feel guilty and furious at the same time._ _ _ _

____“Well maybe if I knew you were Supergirl I would’ve been a little more understanding.” Lena scoffs. She raises an eyebrow, daring Kara to object. “But you? You knew both sides of me, you knew my heart, and as my best friend you should have trusted me. You should have trusted that I was doing the right thing. You should have trusted that I was trying to help you.” Her voice cracks at the end, making her angry rant sound less so, and instead, more poignant. “You were one of the few people who never saw me as a villain. How—how could you turn your back me and treat me like one?”_ _ _ _

____She doesn’t hate Kara. Hell, she doesn’t hate Supergirl either. Lena’s used to others seeing the worst parts of her because of her last name—she blames her family for this. What she blames Kara and, the world, for is not looking past it. Kara; who knows Lena better than anyone else in the world, who’s seen the best parts of her, who knows her… subconsciously or not, doesn’t trust her. And that hurts more than any strangers’ opinion ever could._ _ _ _

____“I’m so sorry, Lena. I never intended to treat you like that. I—there’s no good excuse for what I did, or for not telling you I was Supergirl… and I will regret not telling you sooner for the rest of my life.” Kara visibly deflates, looking nothing like the powerful Girl of Steel with her shoulders hunched over and her eyes filled with agony. “I know that despite everything I’ve said, you still think I treated you like another Luthor because I believed that’s what you were.” Lena swallows hard but doesn’t give Kara any indication of whether or not she’s right. Kara looks down in shame and takes a shaky breath. “But I need you to know, that’s not the case. I—I was scared. I trust you, Lena… it’s never been about that. I trust that you are not your family. I trust that you have a pure heart. I trust that you wouldn’t expose me. But… your view of me will change. You’ll look at me differently, you’ll treat me differently.”_ _ _ _

____Lena wants to tell her none of it matters because nothing changes the fact that Kara hurt her…. But the damaged part of Lena wants to know the _real_ reason—not just some ‘selfless’ explanation about how it was to protect Lena. No. That may be part of it, but it isn’t the whole truth. _ _ _ _

____So, she just gives Kara an impartial look and a small tilt of her head for the blonde to continue._ _ _ _

____“You once told me that Supergirl saved you, but Kara Danvers was your hero. I was a nobody, but to you, I was somebody important. Kara was important… just Kara. I didn’t want to lose that with you. And…you will never know how much that meant—how much that _means_ , to me,” she says, getting slightly choked up near the end. _ _ _ _

_____You’ve never been just Kara Danvers to me… You really were my hero._ _ _ _ _

____“I do understand. Because Kara Danvers didn’t just see me as another Luthor—she saw me as Lena. And I loved the way Kara made me feel.” And for the first time that entire morning, Lena gives the blonde a small, sad, genuine smile._ _ _ _

____“I—I’m sorry.” She didn’t know it to be possible, but Kara looks even more ashamed. “I loved being just Kara Danvers with you. I felt like I could be myself around you. I wasn’t the sad girl who lost her whole world. I didn’t have to be super. I didn’t have to be a symbol of hope. I got to be human around you. I—I got to be me, really me. And it felt so nice. It felt so nice to just be myself around someone without all of these expectations,” Kara sighs and a wistful smile appears on her face. “You literally save the world with a Superhero by your side, but at the end of the day, you wanted to hang out with Kara Danvers and eat burgers while watching cheesy movies. Don’t get me wrong, I _love_ being Supergirl, but it felt nice to be normal. Our relationship is my last connection to any sense of normalcy, and you mean so much to me… I was worried that if you found out about me, everything would change. I was afraid. So, I kept it from you and the lies started piling up and the longer I waited the harder it got. I—I couldn’t handle you looking at me exactly like you are now, with so much… disdain. It just became easier to avoid the truth than risk losing you. But by not telling the truth, I was slowly pushing you further and further away. And I am so, so sorry for putting you through this.” _ _ _ _

____Lena swallows hard, her knuckles turning white as she clenches her fists. She doesn’t speak, too focused on trying to keep it together. She can already feel her vision blurring from the unshed tears. She tries to tell herself Kara’s lying. But no matter how hard she tries; she can’t get her heart to believe what her head is trying to say. She means something to Kara; safety, comfort, consistency… and that makes her even more conflicted. Because if she means that much to Kara, why would she do this to her?_ _ _ _

___Tears start to well in Kara’s eyes as well as, but unlike Lena she doesn’t seem to care. She maintains eye contact with Lena, trying to reinforce the weight of her words. “You _need_ to understand that it was because of my own fears and insecurities—not because of you or your last name,” Kara says, begging Lena to understand. _ _ _

____It’s quiet as the two continue to stare at one another, the only noise coming from the shuffling of Kara’s feet. Lena takes a deep breath, trying to reign in her emotions before the inevitable wave of tears fall._ _ _ _

____Finally, it’s Kara who breaks the hush. “Please don’t hate me,” she whispers so softly that Lena almost doesn’t catch it._ _ _ _

____“I could never hate you, Kara,” Lena instinctively replies. She wished she could, it would make everything so much easier, but no matter how hard she tries… she can’t. Ever since Lena made eye contact with those baby blues and witnessed that dazzling smile… she was a goner.  
She used to love those things about Kara; her smile that was a ray of sunshine on a dark dreary day, her eyes always filled with so much care and earnestness, the kindness radiating from her which she directed at everyone and anyone, her optimism that given the chance people would make the right choice, her passion and determination to make the world a better place…. Deep down she _still_ loves those things about Kara, but now they are accompanied by a sharp pain in her chest. _ _ _ _

____Kara looks up, a sliver of hope shining in her eyes. “That doesn’t mean I trust you,” Lena says, immediately shooting down the misplaced optimism._ _ _ _

____“I _never_ meant to hurt you.” Kara sniffs._ _ _ _

_____But you did._ _ _ _ _

____“I know you’re sorry and I know you wish you could take everything back, but you can’t. Nothing you say changes what you did. You’ve had so many opportunities to come clean. I would have protected you, Kara. I would have done everything in my power to keep your secret. I just wish you trusted me as much as I trusted you,” she hisses, trying to ignore the way Kara’s shoulders shake as she sobs quietly. Later on, the look of complete pain on Kara’s face would haunt her, but now, all Lena cares about is making Kara feel the same excruciating pain she’s been experiencing for what feels like decades. “I can’t just pretend like everything’s okay. Like my favourite person in the entire world didn’t turn around and act like I was public enemy number one.” her shoulders tremble as she fights back the wave of emotions. She’s already given so much of herself to Kara, and she’ll be damned if she lets herself be even more vulnerable._ _ _ _

____Lena fights the urge to just flop onto Kara’s couch and melt into the cushions. In the last couple of hours, she’s been on of hellava emotional rollercoaster. All she wants to do was get off of this ridiculous heart-wrenching ride and move on with her life. This emotional free-fall has her feeling drained and… Lena doesn’t know how much longer she can do this._ _ _ _

____“Things were so different. You were different. Y—you treated me differently,” Lena says, struggling to get the words out without having a complete breakdown. Kara stands there with her head hung in shame. Tears stream down her face, but she makes no move to wipe them away. “Supergirl would yell at me and—and treat me like a villain… but then Kara Danvers would bounce into my office with a bag of donuts and tell me I was amazing. And… you were always so genuine,” Lena’s lip trembles. “Like I said when we first met, I didn’t come to National City to make friends. Hell, I tried to push you away multiple times. But you—you just kept coming back. You tore down my well-built walls,” which was hard because they were reinforced like a motherfucker, “and somehow secured a place in my heart. You made me believe I could do anything and that my last name didn’t define me. You made me realize who I was, what I could be, and who I wanted to be. You made me feel special. You made me feel safe…. Which is why this betrayal hurt even more than Eve, Andrea and Lex combined.”_ _ _ _

____Kara takes a tentative step forward with her arm outstretched._ _ _ _

____Lena takes a step back._ _ _ _

____Kara’s shoulders drop in defeat. “I’m sorry.“_ _ _ _

____“In retrospect, I should have known you were lying to me. Everyone always does… why would you be any different?” Lena says, failing to sound dismissive. The goal was to remain cool and collected, but she can feel her hardened exterior start to break down. The tears she’s so far managing to hold back, threaten to break through._ _ _ _

_____I thought you were different._ _ _ _ _

____“Please, we can fix this—“_ _ _ _

____Lena’s head snaps towards Kara so fast that she almost gives herself whiplash. How. Dare. She. “No, Kara. Don’t you get it? You know how hard it is for me to trust people, but I _trusted_ you!” her voice rose, high-pitched and filled with fury. “I believed in you! I confided in you! I gave you everything! I gave you my heart and soul! I FUCKING LOVED YOU!” Lena screeches. She tried so hard to keep it within, but the dam finally breaks. The tears in her eyes fall and she hiccups as the emotional turmoil catches up to her, but she still tries to glare at Kara with all the hate she can muster. Despite once again spilling her heart and soul, Kara just stares at her. “I lo—loved you… an—and you broke m—my heart,” she gasps out between sobs. _ _ _ _

____Lena hastily wipes the tears away and tries to calm herself down. She came to Kara with the intention to scream in her face about lies and betrayal then storm out. But of course, she couldn’t keep it together. Of course, she couldn’t control herself around Kara._ _ _ _

_____Breathe in 2, 3, 4, breathe out 2, 3, 4._ _ _ _ _

____“W—what? Why didn’t you tell me?” Kara’s eyes well with fresh tears through her bloodshot eyes, and she too looks close to a breakdown._ _ _ _

____Lena completes the breathing exercise a few more times. Once the sniffles stop, she clears her throat and levels Kara with an indifferent look, attempting to reclaim her regal composure. “For the same reason you never told me you were Supergirl. I didn’t want things to change between us. I didn’t want to open my heart only for it to be crushed in half. I didn’t want to get hurt by the one person who would be able to break me.”_ _ _ _

____“Lena—“_ _ _ _

____“I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway. Because you were wrong; a Luthor and Super can only end one way—tragedy.” Lena's lip wobbles and she makes no attempt to wipe away the fresh onslaught of tears. She doesn’t have the energy to fight anymore. She’s complete and utterly alone. “Stay away from me—both as Kara and as Supergirl. It’s over. I—I’m done.”_ _ _ _

____With that, Lena pushes past a sobbing Kara, struggling not to stagger as she walks down the hall, leaving her life with Kara Danvers behind her._ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I know this was a long chapter, and probably too long to be an actual conversation, but I wanted both Lena and Kara to express how they were feeling. I was going to split it into two chapters, one where Lena expresses her hurt, then another where Kara comes back to explain herself fully. But I figured once Lena said her part, she wouldn’t want to see Kara for a while, and Kara would feel so guilty that she’d give Lena the space she asked for. So, it just made more sense to make it one long chapter. Not the best at describing how people feel when they’re emotional, but I hope you enjoyed it regardless!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed the read :)


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